You Shouldn't Exist
by Broken Soup
Summary: AU. Luc may just be a cat, but he's an irate one at that. Annoyed with petty humans fawning over one particular book, he travels from Britain to the utensil town of Forks. Thus, Luc ignites an epic journey which may scare the fiercest of vampires...
1. Prologue

_Warning: Edward Cullen fan girls and Twihards may take some offence towards this tale. You have been warned so flames will not be tolerated._

_Dear Readers, welcome to another tale filled with nonsense and rubbish on my part - hopefully amusement on yours. This story is confusing and sarcastic - I'm British, so if you don't understand my humour message or pm me so that I can explain it fully._

_Peace _out!

* * *

I flicked my tail back and forth in frustration.

I caught glimpses of the red apple shape when the spine was opened.

The pages were filled with black ink making me want to go and claw a certain persons eyes out.

My owner, a feeble minded little girl, giggled over the love struck couple portrayed in this book, cooing and swooning over some fictional muscle man.

It made me sick.

It was impossible.

Impractical and dim.

Nothing like this could ever happen in a million years – but then again, neither could a talking cat.

Oh.

Did I just let something slip?

"You should acquire a hobby, Sandra," I hissed from my perch on the giggling girl's desk.

"Oh hush Lucifer," she snapped back.

Sandra narrowed her eyes at the pages but I could tell she wasn't aiming her frustration at the book – rather at me.

I would like to introduce myself; my name is Lucifer van Dorsten and I am a British male black domestic long haired…cat.

But as you have gathered, I am no ordinary house hold cat.

I can talk.

"Sandra," I hissed when she sighed wistfully while flicking a page over. "Please, have some control over yourself. It's a book for God's sake."

"Like a cat can tell me what I can or cannot do," she sneered, peeling her nose away from the book to send me a glare.

I bared my teeth at her, the fur on the back of my neck bristling.

"You, little girl, are an uneducated moron."

Sandra's glare turned into a frown, "A what?"

The tempo, of which my tail was flicking at, increased. My aggravation clear.

"Fine, if you must permit me to listening to your sighing and giggling, please pray tell what the message behind this story is?"

Sandra's eyes flicked back to the book before meeting my narrowed eyes.

"Edward Cullen is hot?"

My back arched as I hissed at the dim-witted girl, she truly would send me insane.

"Of course, a vampire who craves the blood of a clumsy fool of a girl is obviously a very deep meaning to what could be seen as such a shallow book to the majority of the Earths population," I snarled while standing from the desk and jumping down to slide towards the door.

"I was stupid to stick around for this long. To think of it! A cat like me wasting away his years in the company of what _I _would call vermin!"

"Good riddance!" she called after me as I strutted out of the room.

Shooting one last glare towards her door, I made my way down the hallway and out the cat flap.

The cold wind blew my fur in all directions, the stars high in the sky.

"Rough night, Luc?" a voice came from over next doors backyard fence.

"You would not believe that the human in there passed her exams last year," I tousled as I jumped over the fence.

Vincent lay on the other side, the tabby next door, was the only other of my kind who could talk. My only friend in this neighbourhood, he shared my views on the humans…his own had a copy of that dreaded _book_ as well.

Vincent yawned, stretching out his paws and clawing at the ground in a lazy manner, "If you find the humans such a bother, why stick around?"

"And go where?" I questioned as I positioned myself next to him.

He hummed while rolling onto his back.

"Forks." The tabby flashed me a snide grin before winking.

"Forks," I snorted.

"Why not?"

"Does it even exist?" I asked incredulously.

Vincent shrugged before rolling over again. I licked my paw absentmindedly as I pondered the concept that was…Forks.

"I might, you know?" I decided after a moment, I had nothing to lose.

"Really?" Vincent asked, sitting bolt upright.

"Why not?" I turned to look at him properly.

"I just didn't think you'd take my suggestion seriously," he exclaimed, his face still bewildered.

"Hmm, you only live nine times," I sighed while looking at the moon.

The idea of visiting mythical creatures amused me; a chat with that dull boy called Edward would be amusing too. Who better to fill the position of bringing these people back to Earth than Lucifer van Dorsten?

"Indeed," he agreed softly. "Forks better watch out if it's getting a visit from THE Lucifer van Dorsten!"

I chuckled along with Vincent.

They better watch out indeed.

* * *

_I hope you all enjoy my new character of Luc, I think he's amazing._

_As the Paramore track titles goes, "Let the Flames Begin"_


	2. chapter one

_Two reviews, I'm touched guys!_

_Longer chapter, obviously, as it is the first official chapter tacked onto the prologue. Awesome._

_Playlist -_

_One Way or Another by Blondie_

* * *

Chapter One - Bats Mats Rats 

Many people may know this fact, or they may not, but cats _hate_ water.

Whether it be a bath or rain…we hate it.

And why, oh why, did I have to choose the "rainiest place in the continental US" to visit?

Three boat trips, two train journeys, an air flight and now a taxi ride to come to this! Was I mad or under the influence of alcohol when I said, "Why not?" to visiting Forks?

Or maybe this is a dream?

"Oh look at all the trees here Marge!" a woman's voice sounded from inside the taxi.

You see, taxis don't exactly stop for cats when you try to flag one down. Either they choose to ignore us or they just don't have the capacity in their brains to see that we are waving our paws madly at them…but they never seem to slow down.

So here I was, a stowaway in the boot of a taxi, being thrown from side to side with each sharp turn the vehicle took – heading to Forks.

And I came here willingly why?

I can't even recall the reason anymore. Sad.

"Trees?" I grumbled to myself while digging my claws into the nearest travel bag. "These humans are amazed by trees?"

"Gretel, look at that dog! Isn't it huge!" another voice answered her.

Marge and Gretel, you must be the oldest ladies I have ever met to be amazed by trees and dogs.

"Are we there yet?" I called out, raising my voice above the taxis engine.

"Did you hear something back there Marge?"

"I don't know – some kind of screeching?"

"Strange."

"Yeah."

"Idiots."

"There it was again Gretel!"

"I know Marge!"

"Shut up you over sized rats!" I shouted.

"Something about bats?"

"No Marge, it said mats!"

I covered my ears with my paws, trying to block out the sounds of these humans jibber jabber.

I swear – if and when cats rule the day, those two will be the first to be exterminated before you can even say fish pie.

"And this is your stop ladies – Forks, Washington," the taxi driver told them in what I probably imagined to be a relieved tone.

I know that I was relieved.

And I wasn't the one sitting in front of them.

"Thank you so much," they both chorused as I heard them shuffling out of the car doors.

Their footsteps pattered round to the back of the vehicle – in which I was situated.

The boot creaked open and light spilled onto my face, with a hand soon following the light in reach for one of the travel bags.

Oh. I didn't think of this part.

"Deep breaths Luc," I muttered while arching my back.

I let out a high pitched shriek, making Marge…or Gretel…jump backwards from the noise.

My opportunity had arrived.

Kicking with my hind legs, I sailed out of the small gap and out of the boot, landing on the floor outside with an audible thud.

"AH! A BAT!" one of the wrinkly old ladies screeched while clutching at her heart.

My foot paused in mid air as I swivelled round to face this woman.

"A bat? Do I look like a bat to you? No? Oh, that may be because I'm a CAT!" I sniffed indignantly, my tail flicking. "The cheek these days…well, catch you later Raisins!"

I threw my body weight forward and dashed into a bush by the nearby pavement.

A bat? I'm insulted.

Ergh, anyway – back to the matter at hand.

Vampires.

Where would I be if I was a vampire?

I looked around in the bush, which mainly blocked my view of the road. Clever Luc, hide in a place where you can see nothing.

_Maybe you should ask for directions_, a small voice in my head echoed.

"Directions? I don't need directions!"

_Suit yourself._

Whining pitifully, I licked my paw. They already hurt from all the travelling and now I have to travel around Utensil town to find some mythical creatures that belong in movies and books – not in teenage girl's imaginations!

This single book had ruined every chance any teenage boy had of asking out their dream girl now. I imagine the conversation would have started with the boy asking the girl out, but you know what? The girl would have probably turned him down because

A) His name wasn't Edward

And

B) He didn't sparkle in the sun.

You see?! You see how this will affect the Earths population in future generations to come?!?

Well, maybe you think I'm ranting. But dear public, it is already happening!

Girls have already started having "all girls' sleepovers" just so that they can discuss this Cullen character!

Disgraceful.

Getting back on track, plans – I need to make some plans. But not just any plans…good plans.

I rolled out of the bush, grumbling to myself as I felt an amount of debris come along for the ride.

That was going to take ages to get out! Argh.

I surveyed my surroundings; plain buildings aligned each side of the street. Each of them was the exact same size, same colour.

It was kind of creepy.

My ears pricked as I heard footsteps heading in my direction.

Craning my head to the side, I could see a pair of –shudder- teenage girls coming my way.

One had obnoxiously curly hair, obviously hair spray had been used to keep it that large. Did she not know how much space she would take up in an elevator alone? And all those hair spray chemicals polluting the Earth, tsk tsk tsk.

Don't even get me started on her friend. She looks like a pig.

And they didn't even notice they were heading towards a cat…if they weren't careful they would trip over m-

"Ouch! Watch it you moron!" I cried out as the pig girl tripped over me, kicking me in the side as she fell.

The girl who fell over just looked at me, opening and closing her mouth repeatedly.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" I sneered sarcastically.

Before I knew it the two girls were running down the street. Screaming might I add.

I snorted in disgust before turning on my tail.

As I walked down the spookily similar shops, my stomach started rumbling.

A small problem I hadn't considered – food…

I wasn't really a hunter, so mice were out of the question. Disgusting little things they were, all small and slimy…err…

Oh, what a rumbly tumbly.

I walked down the high street, which led to a main road, which was aligned with…the exact same houses…on each side…

They where everywhere.

Who designed this town? Seriously?

A main road? How much more basic could they get?

Sighing to myself, I started trailing past house after house, looking through windows to see families gathering around their own dinners.

There was chicken dishes, turkey dishes, ham dishes, lamb dishes…

Hunger pains started to gnaw at my stomach as I started salivating.

Jumping down from the latest window ledge I had taken vacancy of, I wandered round to the side of the house, looking for any small means of entrance.

Apparently this town didn't want to invest in any cat flaps – so there were no chances to sneak in and grab something from the poor unsuspecting humans.

Scents of food drifted in from all directions to the town, taunting and teasing me.

But as the wind shifted I noticed no scents drifted from the North – up a very big hill.

Curious as to why this direction was the anomaly, I followed the road up to the hill.

Thankful to get away from the other scents, I sauntered upwards, weaving through trees when the road disappeared into an off road dirt track.

As I was forced to step onto the road from the shrubbery, I heard the distant rumbling of a vehicle approaching. Thinking I had enough time to skip out of the way, I was in no hurry to move over.

Only when I heard the squealing of tyres did I realise it was coming right up behind me.

Who the hell drives that fast off road?

The vehicle flew past, the tyres only skimming my tail as I hurled myself away from the danger.

"Watch where you're heading, you twat!" I screeched in fury – left flustered in the dust which had been kicked up as the driver took a sharp bend. "People these days!"

Dusting myself off, I headed up – following the path the car had taken.

When I found him, boy would I give him a piece of my mind. What conceited prats did they allow to drive these days?

My breaths became shorter and shallower as I climbed steeper uphill. Who would build a house this far away from town? Where they mad?

Justas I was preparing to collapse, the corner of a house loomed into view, half hidden by the trees surrounding it. Pushing myself through the last remaining pieces of forestry, I felt like singing hallelujah as I looked at the rather large house. Noticing with appreciating it had a rather large garage…oh what I would give to claw at a leather seat at this moment in time!

But something in my gut pulled me up short. Expensive mansion…massive garage…middle of forest…

I groaned.

How had I ended up at the friggen Cullen house?

That's the only reason why there was no food scents.

They sucked bloody deer.

Typical.

I looked back down the trail, it was too far to travel back down now – too dark. Looking back at the house, I noticed no entrances apart from the door.

Great. And now it looks as though it was about to rain.

And I can never, I repeat – never, sleep in the rain.

Huffing, I sat and surveyed the house some more. Do they have a chimney?...Doesn't look as though they have a cat flap either…maybe I should try the back door?

I forced myself to my feet and crawled along the side of the house.

I've never felt more army commando like in my life.

Maybe if I climbed up a tree it would be easier to look into the house, see if anybody left any doors open and such.

Turning to the nearest tree on my right, I dug my claws into the bark, hoisting myself up.

Gradually ascending, I clung to the nearest branch and started jumping towards the higher ones.

Sniffing unconsciously, I stopped short. What was that?

My head snapped round to the closest window, and joy of joys there sat a turkey sandwich on a plate which was placed on a desk.

Just below the window!

Without thinking twice I threw myself off the tree towards it, letting my tongue flap in the wind as I sailed towards my meal.

Just a bit closer…just a bit – WHAM!

Glass connected with my face. I slid down slowly causing a sharp squeaking sound to ring out through the air.

How had I not noticed the window was closed?

"What the hell was that?" a male voice shouted.

I looked up, from lying on my back on the ground – where I had ended up – seeing a lot of stars.

They looked so pretty tonight…ooh! Look! There's a space ship!

"Is that…is that a cat?"

* * *

_Seeing as not many people have looked at this story - who knows if its going to take off?_

_Putting the rating up anyway, for language abuse I suppose._

_AH frick it, this still will carry on even if no one reads it!_


	3. chapter two

_Playlist-_

_Crystal Ball by Keane (love this song/music video)_

_Three Blind Mice (who does not __love this rhyme? Classic!)_

* * *

Chapter Two - Four down

"Is…Is that a cat?"

"That's Mister Cat to you," I said in between yawning, suddenly feeling tired.

"What the hell?...Did you just talk?" the male voice said again.

"No," I drew out the word while tilting my head to the figure standing above me. "I barked like a dog."

He was tall, that was all I could tell as I looked up bleary eyed. I shook my head to try and clear my vision.

"I think I have concussion," I mused after a second of head shaking.

The figure hadn't moved from above me. I could imagine his jaw hanging down at the moment, that's the reaction I got from Sandra.

I scowled at the figure, which was still blurry, and flicked my tail about. I noticed vaguely that I was still on my back, legs stuck up in the air, but I couldn't be bothered to roll over.

I liked the space ship.

"Three blind mice…three blind mice…see how they run…see how they run…they all ran after the farmer's wife…who cut off their tails with a carving knife…did you ever see such a thing in your life…as three blind mice?"

I smiled to myself as I sang the song softly to myself.

In the back of my mind I knew that I was acting delusional, sort of like I was drunk.

"Do you know what you've done?" the male shouted at me.

"Calm down dear," I shouted back.

"A cat…a talking cat!"

"I thought we clarified that earlier," I hissed.

I suddenly felt myself airborne as the male grabbed the scruff of my neck. I dangled helplessly in front of his face, noticing that my vision was becoming clearer as I took in his clenched jaw and dark eyes.

"Listen to me _cat_," he snarled, "You will not speak to me like that. Do you know how easily I could snap your neck?"

I hissed and spat at him, wriggling in his grip, even though I knew it was futile.

"All I wanted was the sandwich!" I cried out after struggling for a second.

"What?" the mans grip on me faltered, sending me downwards.

I landed on my feet this time.

Narrowing my eyes in contempt, I turned away from the man.

"Where do you think you're going?" he said as I moved towards the forest.

"Somewhere where there is food," I mumbled.

"Oh, no you don't."

"Unhand me human!" I cried as I felt myself being thrust upwards yet again.

The man just chuckled and ignored me, carrying me towards the house.

Towards the turkey sandwich.

"Eddie! Look what I found!" the guy's voice rumbled the foundations of the house as he chuckled.

Oh God.

Did he just say Eddie...As in Edward?

Edward bloody Cullen.

The hero of this tale, the perfect "bronze haired Adonis" which petty females swooned over.

I started screeching, trying to make the guy jump and let me go. God forbid the day I would come close to Edward willingly.

Alas, the man didn't release his grip this time. I stopped my struggles and dangled in his hands, hissing at him all the while.

"Emmett…What is _that?_" a voice behind us said in disgust.

"Look," the guy I now recognised to be Emmett, "It can talk."

He shook me with his hand, a sign that said _look and laugh at the freak shows act!_

Instead, I clamped my mouth shut and made a growling sound in the back of my throat.

"Emmett stop kidding around," _Edward _said in an exasperated tone.

As I lifted my head to look at _Edward_ my growls became louder, showing my violent attitude towards him.

"Woah…guess it doesn't like you Eddie," Emmett snickered. "Hey Mister Cat? Don't you like Eddie?"

I reached out to swipe at Edward, missing when Emmett pulled me back slightly.

"What the hell is its problem?" Edward asked, his face twisted in shock.

"Don't know," Emmett answered, his voice full with glee.

Emmett swung me round so that I was looking at him instead, my growls subsided into hisses as I looked at the vampire.

He was no man, that's why he had laughed earlier.

"Blood sucker," I snarled, momentarily forgetting my mortal enemy behind me. "If you knew what was good for you, you would let me down right now."

My threat did nothing to the moron as he started grinning.

"Eddie! Did you see that? Did you see that?"

"JESUS EMMETT! Where did you find that…that…_thing?"_ came a shocked voice.

As I was swung round, yet again (I swear I was going to get motion sickness) I took in the figures of the rest of the "Cullen Family".

"Oh that's just bloody great," I whined out loud to myself, "the whole family has come to say hello. Hello rocks! So glad to meet you!"

"He's kind of sarcastic, isn't he?" the smallest vampire said…Alison?...Alana?...Alice?...

"I found him outside!" Emmett stated with what sounded like pride…kind of like bringing a trophy home.

"Well, if you force me to stay in this…_house_…can I have that turkey sandwich now?" My ears twitched as I heard the vampires shifting around.

The blond male moved towards me, his eyes guarded.

"Oh, here's Carlisle!" I cried out, while rolling my eyes to the ceiling. "Oh wise one! If I shall be but on my feet, would I bow to your humbleness!"

Carlisle cleared his throat and looked back at me, "What's your name?"

"Why should I tell you?" I snarled.

"Well, it would be better than calling you cat, wouldn't it?"

I snorted. "Lucifer. Lucifer van Dorsten."

"That's an unusual name," he commented politely.

I saw through his façade.

"I'm an unusual person," I replied back dryly.

"Person?"

_Play it off as a slip of a tongue Luc! _Screamed a voice.

"He's panicking," another male said.

The empath.

"Gold star for you!" I cheered, lifting my paws in what could be considered a wave.

"Emmett, let him down for a minute," Carlisle ordered as he watched me, bemused.

As I was dropped to the marble floor, I quickly turned round and darted towards the door – only for a pair of feet to block my exist.

"Edward," I started coldly, looking up at him. "…Piss off."

The vampire's mouth fell open as I cursed at him.

I heard a feminine gasp behind me – she was breathing too heavily to be a vampire, I noticed.

The human!

"Oh what a sight for sore eyes!" I smirked at the brunette. "Isabella Marie Swan, daughter of the Chief of Police, Charlie Swan. Best friend of Jacob Black. Soul mate of…_that,"_ I gestured towards Edward while I kept my eyes trained on hers.

"Oh what pretty brown eyes you have," I crooned, moving away from Edward and towards the human.

"Oh what pretty hair you have." I was at her feet.

"Oh what…bad bad fashion sense you have," I wrinkled up my nose at her shirt.

Bella was looking down at me, white as a ghost.

"I agree," Alice chirped. I ignored her and carried on with my teasing.

"Don't you want to know what happens in the future Bella?" I whispered. "Would you like me to tell you how you nearly _die_?"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Edward roared. He was a blur as he flashed next to Bella's side, catching her as she swayed backwards.

"LEAVE! NOW!"

"My pleasure," I grinned like a Cheshire cat. "Fare thee well!"

I skipped towards the doorway, only to be stopped _again._

Sighing impatiently I muttered, "What is it now?"

It was Carlisle this time, he was looking down at me with a half shocked half angry expression.

Papa fang ain't happy.

"Die? What do you mean by Bella nearly dying?" he asked sharply.

I shifted on my paws, licking absent-mindedly at my right one.

"I've read about it…_unfortunately._"

"Read about it?" he looked confused, as did the rest of them. "Where?"

"From Sandra's bookshelf, had to see what the hype was all about."

They continued to look blankly at me.

"Oh come on, three quarters of the world's population has probably read about you. They even made this movie about it…don't even get me started about that."

"There's books about us?" another female asked, the eldest. Esme or something.

"No duh, how would I know you were vampires otherwise?" I rolled my eyes.

"That didn't even cross my mind," Carlisle muttered.

"Look, this doesn't even matter. Just get that creature out of the house, look what its done to Bella!" Edward snarled at me.

I smiled at him.

"Powerful mind reader my ass," I snorted.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, powerfu-"

"I heard what you said the first time," he huffed angrily.

"Well, why did you say excuse me then?" I said, biting back another string of insults.

"Look – none of that even matters."

"Can I leave if you aren't giving me any food?" I whined, cutting off whatever he was going to say next.

Every vampire…and one human…looked at Carlisle for his decision.

To be honest, I didn't even want to stay; I just wanted the food if they were going to ask me all these questions.

"This way then," Carlisle motioned towards another room.

We all herded through to the kitchen, all of them surrounding me as we walked along.

I hopped up onto one of the bar stools as they all fanned out around the room.

I turned back to Bella as Esme rifled through the fridge.

"What's up? Is that what teenagers say these days?" I wrinkled my nose.

Her terrified eyes glanced down at me before flicking back towards the corner of the room.

"Did I freak you out?" even if the words sounded sad, I smiled as I said this.

I saw Edward glaring at me from her side, but I paid him no heed.

My eyes darted over to the one vampire who I had not even looked at.

The blond female.

Rosalie, wasn't it?

"You're not as attractive as I thought you would be," I said in a disappointed tone.

Her head snapped round to me.

"What?" she hissed, narrowing her eyes.

"I wouldn't say you were ugly…just not beautiful," I mused, cocking my head to the side.

"Why you little brat –"

She made a move to grab me, but Emmett caught hold of her arm and restrained her.

"He's only taunting you, don't let him get to you and he'll get bored."

"_He_ has a name," I called out.

"Lucifer, wasn't it?" Alice asked me.

"I thought vampires had really good memories? Looks like yours is failing you already, poor dear, its probably old age."

She scowled at me but turned around.

I had successfully upset…four people now…only four more to go.

A plate was put down in front of me, quite forcefully.

But all I could look at was the strips of chicken on it.

Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Lets get started, shall we?"

_No…_

* * *

_New Twitter account - KillerRomance_

_Please do not take offense to my comments about the lack of reviews, its just reviews = motivation_

_no motivation = sloppy story_

_You get the picture_

_(by the way, I had three blind mice running through my head when I was in exam earlier this week *sad*)_


	4. chapter three

_Longer chapter, so its all good!_

_Putting the rating up because more swear words are used...so...yeah..._

_Not sure if anybody is interested, but I have actually based Lucifer off of an actual cat._

_Playlist -_

_Caught in a trap - Elvis Presley _

* * *

Chapter three - Caught in a trap.

Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Lets get started, shall we?"

_No…_

"Wait." I held up a paw. "What is _this?"_ I motioned towards the plate.

"Its called ratatouille," Esme answered in a clipped tone.

"Really?" I drew the word out sarcastically. "No. I meant, where's the meat? What? Are you _vegetarians?_"

I sniggered at their faces as they all shared looks.

"You're term for eating animals is stupid. Vegetarianism means that you don't eat meat, and what do you eat? Meat. Come on! Engage the brains once in a while," I ranted as they all shifted on their spots.

Esme sighed heavily and moved back to the fridge, after pulling something out, she chucked it onto my plate.

It was a rare steak.

"Nice." I commented dryly.

"That's all we're giving you cat, now start talking," Edward hissed.

"You need a tampon or something Edward, because seriously, your PMTs are getting so old," I murmured while inspecting the piece of meat.

Shrugging, I started picking at it with my claws, licking the blood off of them every so often.

It wasn't till Carlisle cleared his throat did I look up.

"Now, Lucifer, I'd like to ask you a few questions."

"My favourite colour is orange, my birthday is the 5th of August, and my idea of a perfect date would be a candle lit dinne –"

"No, that's not what I meant. Let's start with something easy…Where did you come from?" he persisted.

"The Amazon," I replied airily.

I mentally snickered as Carlisle frowned at me disapprovingly, noticing that his eyebrows furrowed yet his forehead didn't crease, which made him look a little constipated…

"Answer the question cat," Rosalie snarled from her position.

"I came from Britain," I said after a moment.

I thought, why not? It's not like they could steal my credit card details or anything.

"And why did you come to Forks?"

"Because I'm conducting a scientific experiment to see how the arrival of a cat can affect a coven of fictional vampires."

"I'm sorry, what?" Carlisle still looked perplexed.

"You're not real, you shouldn't exist. 'Vampires' belong in books for heaven sakes!"

Did I have to spell it out for these people?

"Well if we belong in books then you belong on Sabrina the Teenage Witch," Alice replied hotly.

She obviously felt offended by my comments.

"Oh, touchy. They always did say you were the maniac of the family, no wonder you were put in an asylum."

A figure flew towards me from across the counter; I had no time to react as the vampire called Jasper tackled me off my seat.

He pinned me to the floor, his teeth snapping just inches from my face, before the other Cullen's pulled him off.

I hissed from my position on the floor, my natural instincts of protection kicking in as my fur bristled and my claws extended.

Both Emmett and Carlisle had one of Jasper's arms locked behind him as he snarled and struggled to break free. His eyes were trained on me as he struggled.

"Jesus Christ," I shouted.

Carlisle sent me a hard look as I used "the lords name in vain".

Pshht, vampire drama.

"Calm down Jasper!" Edward shouted over the snarls.

Alice was still by the wall, her concerned gaze flicking from Jasper to Bella.

Why was she worried about Bella?

And then I knew why, Bella's eyes rolled into the back of her head and she slumped forwards.

I cocked my head to the side, why on Earth had she fainted?

Edward, who had moved to Jasper's aid, moved back to Bella.

His hands were touching her face and his voice was frantic as he called her name.

The drama involving Jasper and I was forgotten as Carlisle rushed to Bella…as well as Esme…and Alice…and Emmett…the only people who stayed where they were was Rosalie, Jasper and myself.

"She's a fragile little thing, isn't she?" I sniggered as I watched Edward lift her up and move towards the stair case.

"You would learn best to keep your mouth shut at inappropriate times," Edward hissed as he darted away from us – Carlisle in tow.

"Just give her a splash in the face and she'll be fine!" I yelled towards the stairs.

The remaining vampires stood glaring at me as silence settled in.

I sat still, my tail flicking from side to side.

They hadn't even asked the most important question yet, as in, 'Why could a cat like me _talk?_

Maybe they just wanted to know what the scenery in Britain was like.

"She's going to be fine," Alice sighed.

Everybody turned to her, relief etched on their faces.

"Oh come on! She fainted, it's not like she just awoke from a coma!" I cried out.

What melodramatic creatures they were, and so infatuated with the human.

Dense bats.

"You know what? I'm getting sick of you," Esme muttered before moving towards me.

I backed away slightly, but she was too quick and grabbed the scruff of my neck – like Emmett had done – and carried me up the stairs and down the hallway.

She opened a door and threw my body in to it.

"Hey!" I shouted as she slammed the door shut behind me.

I'm sure my face looked fuming as I even heard her locking the door.

They think they could incarcerate me?

They must have brain cells lower than a slug.

Do slugs even have brain cells?

My mind stuttered angrily as I sat there fuming. What right did they have to imprison me – Lucifer van Dorsten – in a stuffy room which was empty except for one chair and a window?

It was like an interrogation room!

Now where was the two way mirror I wonder?

I stood up and walked along the outskirts of the room. Stupid human had to faint, didn't she?

As time wore on, I grew impatient. I started to brainstorm escape possibilities.

Then I had an idea.

I sat just under the window judging its height and resistance to a cat throwing itself at it.

Well, this may sound stupid, and thoughtless, but really – what other choice did I have? The door wasn't an option and I couldn't exactly tunnel down through the floor.

Thus, my logic is apparent.

I took a few steps backwards and went into a crouch. My whiskers twitched as I eyed the window – hopefully there would be no replays with the turkey sandwich incident.

Springing at it, all I could think of was "I'm going to die…I'm going to bloody die."

_I love you Mum, sorry Dad._

Now, it's not everyday a cat successfully manages to break out of a room via window. And it's not a normal occurrence to see it flying out of said window – three floors up.

_Oh, what would the neighbours say?_

So what would be a normal human's reaction to seeing a black blur flying past their window? Would they faint again?

Well, from what I could tell – that's what Bella did.

Fragile little thing, isn't she?

Sure enough, breaking through the glass had been easier this time for whatever reason. But what I didn't take in to consideration was the height of the fall.

My animalistic instincts cut in at that point where I found myself free-falling and I let out an embarrassingly high squeak as I sailed downwards.

My paws were stuck out towards the ground as if this would help with the impact from the ground that I would make.

I could see it coming closer to my face – quite swiftly at that. I had a fear of heights, I realised at that moment, so like the coward, I obviously never was, I closed my eyes.

So, of course, I only faintly heard the sound of a human collapsing in a room I fell past.

To be honest, I was too focused on my impending demise.

My stomach flew upwards as gravity pulled me down, but then…suddenly…I was still.

No stomach flips, no wind through my fur, no sickening dizziness.

Just sticky mud, which was sticking into my fur.

I hate to admit this, but yes, even I – the great Lucifer van Dorsten – bent down and kissed the ground.

"Hallelujah praise the lord!" I cried in euphoria as my eyes flew to the heavens.

I mean, I'd heard of cats always landing on all fours before, but c'mon do you think I actually believed it?

It's not like any cat tried it willingly.

"I love you Earth, I love you ground!" I chanted, flinging myself into the mud happily and rolling around in it.

But during my celebration of survival, I suppose I failed to notice the growling coming from behind me.

Sighing as I stood up, I grinned cheekily up at the window I had crashed out of and turned to trot away from the cursed house to make my way back home.

That was, until I felt myself being dragged backwards by my tail.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" I whined as I dug my claws into the ground, trying to delay what could be a bloody conversation.

I knew well enough the only person to handle my roughly like that at the moment would be Edward – and I wasn't disappointed.

He dragged my back until I was at his feet; where he flipped me over and then placed a foot on my stomach to hold me down.

Edward's eyes were black, I noticed.

"Goth," I snorted.

"What?" he barked.

"Never mind," I sang lightly, snickering as his face crumpled in anger. "You look like a constipated duck when you pull that face!"

"Shut up cat!"

"Sorry I ever opened my mouth," I muttered sarcastically.

I wiggled a bit under his foot, "Now this isn't very comfortable for me, and I'm sure you don't want to stand like this forever. So let me up, will you?"

He bared his teeth at me and pushed down harder.

"Mercy!" I cried when I felt my stomach squeezing itself up against my other organs…talk about painful.

"Look listen for a minute you stupid cat!" he roared as I continued moaning under my breath. "I can't read your mind, probably because you're a cat, but to be honest I don't really care. I don't want to know what you want, or _need, _so I would rather you just shut that trap of yours and LISTEN!"

I clamped my mouth shut as he practically screamed the last word.

I was going to mention anger management classes as I watched him breathing heavily in and out to calm himself down – but that could wait till later.

"I don't know how the hell you know who we are, what we are, but you're just a cat. You're not a threat to us in any way so there is no point in keeping you here."

I sighed wistfully as I realised they would be realising me.

"But after what you did to Bella, why should I let you go? There's no point in keeping you here….yet there's no point in keeping you alive either," he continued ranting.

I gulped. They wanted to kill me?

…….squeak?

"I'll make it quick cat, I can promise you that. But with this you will not be able to bother anybody else ever again. It'll just be like going into a deep sleep," Edward said as he actually looked down into my eyes.

I stared at him, wide eyed for a moment. I could feel something brewing inside me.

And then I blew.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" I shrieked. "A deep sleep? ARE YOU SERIOUS?" I wriggled harder under his foot.

"KILL ME? KILL ME? YOU BETTER GET THE FRICK OFF ME RIGHT NOW OR YOU SHALL PAY THE CONSEQUENCES!" I screamed hysterically, clawing at his foot.

Edward looked surprised for a moment as he took in my little display. I heard chuckles coming from the doorway and knew we had an audience but…I was too busy in trying to prevent myself from being _killed_.

"Just kill the little piece of scum, you'd be doing the world a favour," a feminine voice snarled from the doorway.

_Enter reeking Rosalie._

Edward looked from me to the source of the voice (which I couldn't see, as I obviously didn't have the freedom of movement at the moment)

His troubled eyes returned to me, I obviously had shocked him with my reaction…what did he expect? Me to jump for joy at being killed? Murdered even?

"What drugs are you creatures taking?" I theatrically sobbed. "I don't want to die, I _can't_ die you fools!"

"Why _can't_ you die?" Edward asked as his head swivelled back towards me, he obviously caught on to that.

I stopped short, my fake sobs receding into 'oh shits' under my breath.

"Because I'm cute?" I offered pathetically. It was supposed to come out as a strong statement…I think…but turned out to be a question.

"Cute my ass," Rosalie commented.

Somebody else shushed her, but it wasn't Edward as he was still watching me.

"Why should I let you live? After what you did to Bella? And all those remarks to my family?" the anger was coming back into his eyes at this point. "Why shouldn't I snap your neck, right here? Right now?"

An idea suddenly came into my head – I could _bribe _them!

"Because I know the end of your story!" I shouted over the sudden murmur of voices from the door.

"What?"

"I've read it! I've read the books about you!"

"Books?" Edward snorted. "We're not fictional creatures created in some books…we are pretty much real."

"But that's how I know what you are," I pointed out.

"Oh don't listen to him Edward, just kill him so we can all move on with our lives," Rosalie said.

"No wait, he has a point. How else would he know what we are?" Emmett's voice floated over my head.

But I wasn't looking anywhere else except for Edward right now. He was looking back and forth between (what I presumed) was his family standing at the doorway and then at me.

"So what, you're in about Eclipse time right?" I managed to squeak out to break the silence.

Edward's perplexed expression faced back towards me. "Excuse me?"

"Er…" I shifted under his foot; my lungs were starting to complain. I coughed to clear my throat. "You've already…left…Bella haven't you?"

His expression darkened.

"I'll take that as a yes. So that means you've returned from Italy…um, have you had a visit from Vicky yet?" I scrunched up my face as I tried to recall what happened in the books.

"Yes, we defeated her new born army just a few days ago," Edward replied stiffly.

"Um…" I looked up at the sky, which had dark clouds splashed across it. "Can we carry this conversation on inside?"

Edward frowned again. "Why would we do that?'

I started to get more nervous as I glanced at the clouds.

"Not now," I hissed under my breath towards the clouds.

"What? OK, I'm sick of this. Tell me what you know or –"

He stopped as a rain drop landed on his shoulder; he looked at the sky then to his shoulder, then to me.

"You…"

My heart was beating three times its normal speed and I felt my chest heaving up and down. I felt sick.

"I can't…I can't…" I stuttered out.

And that's when I saw it, another rain drop.

Heading towards me.

* * *

_I thought the title of Elvis' song fitted, not sure about the lyrics though._

_Check out my other story Bedlam if you ever have the time._

_Oh and I hear "Why all the drama about the rain?" ...you'll find out soon enough._

_Thanks to Emma for her editing notes!_

_FI_


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